Sponge bath it is.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
