something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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