Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
