Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
