**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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