Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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