Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
