Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
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When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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