Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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