Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
