so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
