KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
