here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Dick very happy bro
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
