I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
