why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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