ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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