I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
