I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
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I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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