just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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