The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
