I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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