don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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