She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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