Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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