Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
