I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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