I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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