I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
