my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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