Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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