well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i already hear my dad disowning me
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she peed on how many people?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
