Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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