This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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