Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
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She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
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i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice