She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
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I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
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So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.