i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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