i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
