I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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