my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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