I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
