1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
