First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.