I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship