I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️