Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
