____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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