Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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