On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
