I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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