The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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