I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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