I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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