We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I think people are normalizing furries
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
