Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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