I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
