My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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