I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
