I just made out with a guy for $7.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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