There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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