I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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