so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
