The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You left your phone here
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