I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
