I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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