I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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