Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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